Waiting Impatiently
So apparently 27 is not old enough to possess any amount of patience whatsoever.
I am heart broken and hurt, and as a self-pronounced “fixer” (especially in the case of providing over-simplified, quick fixes), I am impatiently waiting for God’s light (see: Ephesians 5 below) to illuminate everything so we can move on. I want hope and life to be restored to our staff. It is my deepest cry.
Ephesians 5.8-14:
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
“Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
These last few weeks at church (on staff and otherwise) have been exhilarating and exhausting. They’ve been trying and confusing, but at the same time illuminating and refreshing. I’m such a mix of emotions, and I’m not really sure how I feel about it or what to do.
So I wait. Impatiently.
My deepest prayer is for God to finish the work in me and on staff and in leadership and in His church. Because it hurts me; it tires me.
I feel like Eustace (see: Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Chronicles of Narnia). The claws are digging in deep, and I feel like God is ripping my heart out. It hurts, and I want Him to stop.
But I know that if He does I’ll (we’ll) never be clean. I’ll (We’ll) never be ready for the truly amazing things He wants to do in me (us) and through me (us).
So I wait. Impatiently.
God, please let me be. Maybe it would be better to be someone else, be somewhere else.
But I’m not. I’m me, and I’m here.
God, don’t let me be. Change me, use me, fill me with your light. Expose every dark part of my heart.
I am yours and yours alone. And I will wait impatiently (read: with expectancy and hope) until you are satisfied.
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