or more aptly titled: my struggle to follow Jesus

If you haven’t opened a children’s toy recently you may not have any idea what I’m talking about. But otherwise I hope you’ll join the army I’m forming to locate and destroy the toy factory at which Lucifer has taken up work.

Last night I was opening toys for Lincoln (from his birthday party) and became increasingly frustrated at the level of “tools” [read: teeth, scissors, screwdrivers (3), etc.] necessary to free the imprisoned toys from their “packages” [read: maximum security prisons].

I truly believe it would have been easier to legally adopt an elephant, while juggling fire.

First, you’ve got the outer box which leaves no option but tearing. It is so taped and puzzled together that teeth and scissors may be necessary, unless, that is, you posses Incredible Hulk-like strength.

Then, you have the inner box. This box is not nearly so tough, but it is secured to the toy by twist ties (which were engineered by NASA to never come apart) which are girded by plastic i-beams. And if that weren’t enough, the NASA twist ties are taped down with a clear-colored cousin of the strongest duct tape imaginable.

But if you can make it through that barrier (all while two children are clawing at the marvelous new toy) you’re still faced with the daunting task of putting batteries in it. So you have to unscrew six pieces, place the batteries in the proper (albeit unillustrated) position, and re-screw the pieces back on. Assuming you got the positioning correct, the toy is supposed to work…

Once this part of the 236-step process is completed you may now bring the toy to the exasperated, crying child(ren) you left on the floor to go find three different screwdrivers to put in said batteries.

But lo and behold, once you have located said child(ren) they would rather play with the torn box than the toy someone purchased for their glee. And when you take the torn box away, said child(ren) will cry again.

My advice: leave the toy in the box, get some ripped cardboard, and let said child(ren) play with that.

As for the new toy, re-gift it. Let some other poor sap reap the benefits of Satan’s Part-Time job.